One of my clients — I’ll call him Mark — took up meditation to help with his lifelong anxiety. He was all too aware of his tendency to over-analyze and worry about everything. He’d been meditating on and off for two years, gone on retreats, read tons of dharma books, done everything he could think of.
But he felt like there was no progress at all. He told me that every sit still featured that same old frenzied monkey mind swinging from tree to tree. It was nothing but frustration.
I have to say, I empathize. I bet you’ve been in a similar place, too. We all take up meditation with some kind of goal in mind. And we really do put in our best efforts. But what do we do when it doesn’t work?
We’ve all been told since childhood that if we want something to happen, we have to MAKE it happen. This is true, up to a point.
But for Mark, this was creating the exact opposite of what he wanted. The harder he tried, the more it stirred up his mind. The more it emphasized how far he was from where he wanted to be. Which brought on more anxiety and self-criticism. The more he pushed himself, the more another part of him rebelled. He’d get into battles with himself.
Ugh! Stop!
For one, I thought his mindfulness practice was doing just fine. It was going so well that he was seeing himself – and his overactive mind – face to face, as it really was. Congratulations, I told him. Your meditation IS working for you. Just because you don’t like what you see doesn’t make it wrong.
When we’re dealing with lifelong habits and tendencies, taking up meditation won’t make them just go away. It’s not like a pill we take to get rid of the parts of ourselves that we don’t like. It’s more like a very accurate mirror. It reflects us back in great intimate detail, so we can see clearly and start working with ourselves better. This is when things can really start happening.
Sure it sounds unpleasant. But which would you prefer — to stick with the same old familiar habits that aren’t working, or venture into new territory that points to freedom from those habits?
And so how do we point toward freedom?
I think the answer is to give up. I’m serious.
I don’t mean give up meditation. I mean give up the fight. I suggested to Mark that he stop all the effort and obsessing. Just sit and be with what is. Everything changes in every moment. Just observe the organic ebb and flow.
What? How does that help?
Obviously we can’t change what’s already happened. Anxiety, frustration, worry – whatever is there is there, for better or worse. It does no good to get upset about it. All we can do is change the way we RESPOND to what’s there.
So rather than meeting it with more judgment and frenzy, we meet it with acceptance, calm, and kindness. We’re practicing being the sort of person we want to be, RIGHT NOW. We stop perpetuating the same old cycle. If we can’t muster a calm and kind response, even just taking a breath and acknowledging what’s happening is a change in the right direction. ANY tiny step in the direction of less frenzy is great. That’s all it takes.
Mark wondered how he’d know if he’s making any progress. It feels so … well … passive.
I suggested that he drop worrying about that as well. Really, we can’t know what “progress” will look like. We’ll know it when we see it, but we can’t predict what it’ll be in advance — in the same way that we can’t predict what a particular oak tree will look like when holding it in acorn form.
But we DO know that acorns grow upward toward the sun. If we keep our intentions pointed upward in the same way (not grasping or worrying, but just facing upward and keeping a open, positive attitude), progress is inevitable.
As the Buddha said,
“If one speaks or acts with a pure mind, happiness follows like a shadow that never departs.”
Note he said “happiness follows.” Not “we make happiness happen.”
With each small moment of awareness, it’s like we’re watering and fertilizing the seeds of peace in the soil of our consciousness. We can’t MAKE them sprout and bloom. But if we do our part, we can surrender the rest to a natural process that will always come through for us.
I’ve really grown to trust that this is the way things are.
I can very much relate to Mark’s feelings of frustration with anxiety.
I’m in a similar place now in my life-long practice. As I become more aware of the world, I am seeing myself in great intimate detail as well, with all my flaws and imperfections. This can be discouraging.
Breath awareness and taking full breaths really helps with self-control, patience, and tranquility.
I love this approach of stepping back to notice anxiety (or whatever else we may be experiencing) and moving at our own pace in the right direction, however small that step may be.
I try to take the opportunities when anxiety is mild to practice this, instead of only trying when anxiety is at its peak.
I wonder if voicing our concerns/worries/thoughts out loud to another person is beneficial? I seem to have mixed results with that. I wonder sometimes if it’s best to stay quiet, breathe, and practice mindfulness throughout the anxious time, rather than talking about the problem and going in circles?
Jade,
I think it can be very helpful to talk with a friend about one’s difficulties if it’s done in a skillful way. “Going around in circles,” as you put it, obviously isn’t helpful. But if you have a wise and perceptive friend who can help you analyze what’s causing the anxiety and how to set the conditions to reduce it, wouldn’t that be a helpful conversation to have?
Wonderfully written article, Sunada. I see myself in the descriptions of Mark’s struggles too.
A few thoughts on what i found through meditation, and how i’m dealing with my anxiety.
1. I discovered that i’ve always suffered anxiety, since I was a teenager. But I never labeled that internal energy as ‘anxiety’. I just reacted to the anxious thoughts as a horse to a whip. I determined that the reason i was always uncomfortable was because I wasn’t good enough. So, I created plans to make a new ‘me’. I’d work hard at university, I’d study a difficult subject, i’d get married, have a family. Because I truly felt that the cause of my anxiety was based on loneliness. So, i’d create the family i didn’t experience as a child. I’d be the perfect parent, and love would flow out over every pore and every room in the house. And once that happened, i’d be calm, centered, and stable.
But here i am, living within teenagers. And i did help create a beautiful family with wonderful children. But i’m still anxious.
So, i undertook reading samples of all of the worlds literatures, looking for the ‘answer’. How can i become a wise, stable, calm person? I thought ‘surely, over 3000+ years of human history, someone has figured this out. I just need the right books.’
Well, i’m very well read in many of the worlds great classics. But still, i’m anxious.
–
During this morning’s meditation, i used the concepts that Hon Thicht Nhat Hhan shared with me. “Don’t run from your fear. Instead, say ‘Hello anxiety. I see you are here with me today.’
And that’s what i did to my stomach ailment, the stomach that wakes up scared, churning, sending physical darts of awful feeling throughout my stomach and chest.
This helped. Because then i noticed that i wasn’t tensing up with my fear, i wasn’t running from it like i would an ax murder. I just watched my body react to it, and tried to adjust.
That’s great, Bob. Wonderfully perceptive self-analysis. It sounds like you’ve finally “cracked the code” so to speak. Congratulations.
wow!
I needed to hear the:
“Just observe the organic ebb and flow.
What? How does that help?”
This has been my wonder lately ALOT! How the hell is this going to help anything, by just tuning into the now as best I can.
And lately even bliss started to occur “here and there”.
But still I couldnt see the pragmatic result of this in my everyday life. But now I actually do; “what does progress look like”.
So now I know im holding myself back in meditation, by looking after a concept, and not letting go of it all together.
Thanks alot
You ROCK!
I just wanted to say thank you for writing this article. It saved my life this year. I’m eternally grateful. Thank you so much for sharing this. Much love to you, my friend!
Really? This article saved your life? Well, I’m really glad I could be of help! All my best wishes to you.
This all makes a lot of sense to me . I am going through hell at the moment . Had high blood pressure and panic attacks so my doctor put me on tabs now I have had upset tummy and anxiety about having cancer . My doc says it’s acid causing the upset . I just constantly worried and I don’t know what to do
Cherry