I’ve not been feeling very well the last couple months. I feel tired and achy a lot of the time. When I meditate, I catch myself dozing off before too long. My concentration is off. I’m finding it especially difficult to write. I can’t put it into words, but something is just not right.
A couple weeks ago, my preceptor (the woman who ordained me) came to visit for several days. She had some helpful and encouraging words to say about this, and I thought I’d pass them on.
Sometimes when we have particularly deep and intense experiences, as I did on my retreat last June, we need some time afterward to assimilate. Sure, it’s only natural for the wonderful positivity of a peak experience to fade away. But she said it’s also not unusual for some part of us to resist afterwards. Or maybe just feel unsteady from all the inner rearranging that’s taken place. And it can feel like a step or two backwards, a regression.
That feels right to me. I have an image of me as a big elastic band. I stretched beyond my usual way of being, and now I’ve sprung back some. And to mix metaphors, it’s like my body and mind are working really hard to find their footing on this new ground they find themselves on.
Something inside me said “yes!” when she said that. There was relief in seeing this as a perfectly natural process. That given time, things will find their balance again.
I’ve long since given up on grieving over peak experiences. They were the result of a particular set of conducive conditions that will never be again. I can’t recreate them, and it’s pointless to wish for it. And I don’t begrudge the inevitable doldrums that come afterwards. What I’m going through now is also a result of the conditions that are in place. I’ve learned to trust in this natural flow of things.
And really, I don’t think my practice is going backwards at all, despite what I titled this post. This IS my practice. Learning how to move forward through unknown territory. Getting to know when to push ahead and when to rest. (And it seems now is a time for me to rest!) Finding out how to navigate similar roadblocks when they appear again next time. To be honest, I can’t imagine anything I go through is ever lost. Something stays with me and comes to fruition later, in some unpredictable way.
This is how I’ve gotten to where I am now. And I’m just going to keep moving forward. Because really, there’s no such thing as moving backwards.
I’m grateful for the wisdom and the relief I’ve found in this post. I’ve been going through something similar and have been feeling internal and external pressure to just snap out of it, or to be happier and more focused everyday, and to be less stressed.
But learning to accept how we feel brings wonderful freedom. Especially after a peak experience when big internal changes happen, it helps to be gentle and kind to ourselves.
Hi Jade. Thanks for this. I have a real tendency toward pushing myself a little too much, being a perfectionist and all that. So for me, it’s a real practice to be gentle with myself. I don’t know if you have similar tendencies. I’ve learned to accept that whatever is present is what it is. And being harsh with myself does nothing but make things worse. It’s an ongoing practice — maybe a lifetime’s one.
Hi Sunada
I hope you’re starting to feel more on an even keel; sometimes even just expressing the feelings around the down times can be helpful; and you know you can find ears that can empathise! I suppose as well it’s a question of finding the right balance, intense experiences though wonderful and full of spiritual insight and energy, can be quite searing, and afterwards it’s often important to find one’s equilibrium, often quite mundane. Sometimes I think of it as a fallow period, what seems dark or turgid on the outside can actually be a time of rest, recuperation and germination.
Hi Marion,
Thank you for this. Yes, I’m sure you can sympathize. You’re right, this has been a time of rest and regermination, despite the uncomfortable nature of it all. I’m noodling on my follow-up article this week. I’m in a much better place now!